Day with Pain

Day with Pain - Click for bigger picture

I’ve just spent most of the day in pain. It’s true. It’s not just something that my system fabricates to keep my mind occupied with obstacles.

Pain is here. Pain is now. Pain is what I feel while waiting for the pain to go. Pain is a cycle with qualitatively different phases constantly bumping into each other and giving themselves a skewed sense of time. Pain is for the birds.

Is it mechanic? Is it chemical? Is it organic? Is it natural? For those who experience it, pain is real. For those who experience it less, pain is under control. For those who experience it more, pain is someone else’s reward. I suffer for the benefit of someone else’s belief in my after-life. I suffer for the sake of human sacrifice. I suffer, therefore I’ll die. I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of going irreversibly crazy with pain. I am afraid of the waste. All the work that I have done. All the knowledge that I have amassed so far. All the effort that has been put into making me compatible with the world. When it could still very well be that I am not. (But that, I do not know.)

It could very well be that pain is signalling to me that something will not work. But I do not know whether it is me, or whether it is the world.

The world doesn’t work in me, thus the pain. I do not work in the world, thus the pain. The pain doesn’t work in me, thus the world.

(The pain that operates only without a cause.)

Symptoms of a Day in Pain:

- eating hurts

- lying hurts

- urinating hurts

- making love hurts

- breathing hurts

- thinking hurts

- the pain is itching all over to get free, yet it focuses on those areas that it cannot escape from. My foot heals. My finger heals. My scalp heals. My hip heals. This, doesn’t.

It could just be pain. I could just be dumb. It could just be all over one day. So says W. So I repeat to myself. It could all just go away. Somehow, the fatigue sets in. The text has been written. The ideas all sound the same now (if they ever did sound different). Pain is what I am aware of when something goes wrong inside. This pain is what I become aware of when nothing that you and I can describe goes wrong.

The key thing is that it can go wrong.

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